‘It’s always darkest before the dawn’

I read another blog this morning from an inspirational lady called Wendy Keller  which talks a bit about feeling lost and recovery – thismotivated me to get a blog that has been running around my head for the last 24 hours out of my head!  One of her comments ‘it’s always darkest before the dawn’ really rang true with me – I know far too many people purely because of the tragedies that have become part of our lives and I know from my own personal experience that sometimes we have to hit a real rock-bottom dark low before we find the strength to enable us to start to recover.

Yesterday was another milestone which seems appropriate to mention – Mark and I met with Gregor’s pathologist… feels kinda odd even writing that.  It was a strange kind of meeting, not one anyone would choose to go to but one I think its important to talk about openly as this somehow may help other families going through similar stuff.

The idea of a post-mortem, particularly that of your child is such a taboo discussion, so difficult to even contemplate as it means having some thoughts about what is involved with a PM and definitely not one any parent would like to even begin to think about!   As I have said before we wanted to donate Gregor’s organs for transplantation but were unable to do so.  I had wanted to meet this pathologist the week I found out about the change in Gregor’s cause of death when we received the final post mortem results but was put off by our paediatrician who told me to channel any questions we had (and there were many) via him.  I do slightly regret not listening to my gut instinct that was telling me it was important to meet her but at the time I went with the flow as I was in such heightened emotional turmoil and just didn’t have the energy to turn the tide.  And with the benefit of hindsight I may not have been able to cope with yesterday’s conversation 2-3 years ago so maybe it was for the best at that time.

Last year whilst working with the SCDT I realised that some families DO meet their child’s pathologist and that the pathologists are usually very willing to sit with parents and try to help with explanations/information in any way which could be useful.  So a full year later we set up the meeting.  I’m really glad we had the meeting, absolutely no regrets and I think quite a few positive outcomes came from this meeting.  The purpose of me sharing this is so other’s know this is a possibility and that these guys are real people who care and who have in most cases been one of the last people to have contact with your loved one.

My question is this – should it take a charity to organise something such as this or should it be an option (as I fully appreciate this would not be helpful to everyone) readily available at whatever time is most appropriate for each family?  Could be after 6 months, one year or ten years but if it could somehow be helpful then surely it should be possible?

School Uniforms…

I’ve been successfully ignoring the email I received from the school a week ago with the order request form for school uniforms attached… Until today that is, when my mobile beeped with a reminder that all orders must be in by tomorrow.

It is not fair… That is all.

Our Belief Systems…

Have just completed another weekend of hypnotherapy training and as well as covering such topics as Anxiety, Depression, Chronic Pain, Phobias and IBS we also spent some time discussing belief’s. Why is it that we believe what we believe?  Why do we wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and see all the negative things about ourselves -  that are probably not there if we are totally honest with ourselves!

Last week as I had been catching up on the written work for this weekend’s work I came across a wee scribble in my notebook from last month about a poem from Philip Larkin so a bit of googling later I came across this poem which made me chuckle…

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

So what is it about our beliefs that make us pay attention to the negative voices in our head?  And what would happen if we started ignoring the negative wee voices and started listening to the positive ones?

When Good Stuff Happens…

When something bad happens you can either let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you … And on the contrary when something good happens I often find myself pinching myself to see if it is really real.

Last week was a BIG week in many ways stashed full of stuff – some stuff I can talk about some stuff I can’t.. yet!  But one piece of good news I want to share is that I am soon to become employed again yay!  Had an interview with a local homeless charity in Stirling for a part-time summer position and got a call the same day offering me the job – subject to references of course!! Am thrilled and can’t wait to get started

I was asked at interview what I had done to prepare – As well as the usual research about the charity I had also imagined what it would be like to be homeless.  From research somewhere I am aware that many of us are probably only 2–3 months away from being homeless.  I know some of the feelings I felt after being made redundant – no matter how much I knew it was for the best and I would never look back it took me a long time to acknowledge the loss.

I remember describing myVodaone World of Difference experience with the Scottish Cot Death Trust as ‘lifechanging’ – And I still don’t think that was over-egging it.  And as I sat in my interview last week I realised what amazing experience I had.

A new chapter beckons methinks… And it feels good

Mark and Bens’ Real Radio Experience…

Men can be a funny old breed!  Yeah I know I’ve said something similar when I previously blogged about a dad’s grief here.

Whilst Mark was at work the other week during the School Easter holidays Ben and I were returning home after having been out for an afternoon at the Falkirk Wheel  with the radio on full blast when an advert came on Real Radio for their Real Smile feature – The gist was that you had to nominate someone you thought deserved an award (flowers/champagne/shopping vouchers) because of something lovely that they do for you or others in their day to day life.  Sooo Ben hears the advert and immediately says he wants to nominate his dad, when we get home all he goes on about is me getting the laptop out to go online and fill in the form… so we do this – me typing word for word what Ben says.  Then the next question Ben asks me is ‘when will dad be on the radio?’  Anyone who has children will know that setting expectations plays a huge part in day to day live!  So I go on to set Ben’s expectations that there will be hundreds of people nominating loads of worthy winners and Real Radio will only pick a few to surprise… This is met with a deflated ‘oh.’

So Ben heads off back to school the next week and that morning I receive a phone call from  Real Radio saying they would like to surprise Mark!  I was utterly gobsmacked!

Its safe to say its been a VERY long week as I’m rubbish at keeping stuff from Mark and Ben but decided in order to try and keep it secret I’d only tell a few good friends about the plans.  Tuesday was the day!  I told Ben first thing in the morning once Mark was safely off to work and he was absolutely hyper!

Steve the presenter was lovely when he called and was very happy to let one EXTREMELY excited wee boy come on the radio.  Anyway here’s a link to the audio clip i recorded…

I’m so utterly proud of both Mark and Ben for very different reasons… and I love and appreciate them both with all my heart x

When Something Bad Happens…

I read this somewhere last week and have been thinking about it since…

I think at times over the last 15 years each of the ‘tough stuff’ that has happened in my life has defined, destroyed and strengthened me – sometimes simultaneously!

I remember back to the terribly raw early months after Gregor died and I genuinely used to think I went out with a ‘mother of the boy that died’ label etched on my forehead wherever I went.  I even remember signing up for a fitness class somewhere where nobody knew me just to ‘be me’ for an hour a week!!

The most important part of this quote, to me, is the fact that there is choice and I remember many times in the last 15 years where I’ve felt I have no choices available – but that has been when I had been looking outwards for choice – since I’ve started looking inwards I can see soooo much more choice.

Anxiety – The Boomerang Effect…

After Gregor died I really struggled with anxiety – it had real physical pain and symptoms associated with it and I originally was really worried there was something very wrong with me. Until then I can honestly say I had never really felt anxious before but now I know what it is and what it feels like I do have more control over it – well most of the time anyway!

So why don’t I recognise that’s what’s going on today?

My lovely dad is undergoing his second hip replacement operation today – is it surprising I’m feeling incredibly anxious?  When I write it like that then no, probably not!  However the scary bit is knowing the risks – someone asked me yesterday am I scared of death – ‘definitely not’ was my reply – but I am scared of being left behind and losing someone else really close to me.

Dad is through the op now and is fine – so this particular boomerang can take a hike and not return… for now anyhow!

March

I wrote the poem below on the first day of March.  Today is the first of April and so much has been packed into my March this year.

I’ve had some time to reflect on the conference last Monday and one of many things I’ve thought about was something that one of the speakers asked each of us present to think about – how they ‘do’ death?  how is it for them?  Because regardless of what their professional ‘mask’ wants them to do when they are up against it these personal feelings are very difficult to mask to those on the receiving end of their care.  Those present on Monday were encouraged to get familiar with their own feelings as without this how can they go on to support others?

March

Just sitting in the woods
Listening to the sounds
Birdsong, river running
Nature healing without bounds

Daffodils are shooting here and there 
and there and here, they bloom
Sharing love for whom we’ve lost
and Hope for time to come

A date is just a number
Its just another day
Yet just three years ago these numbers
Meant something entirely different to me…

Joyous Birth Date, Happy Birthdays
- For Gregor only two
Cherished are our memories
Yet painful all the same

This March he would be five
so should we be doing cake?
How can I celebrate I wonder
while pain still tears me apart

Daffodils convey the love
for one who was so sunny
An inward wish for one more day
I could hear him utter ‘Mummy’

Tiny feet… HUGE footprints…

Today has been rather overwhelming.  I agreed some time ago to talk at a Child Bereavement Charity Study Day which was held in Perth today.  Last week I did wonder why on earth I had been so daft to agree to do something so harrowing.

This morning I stood up in front of ~80 health professionals and told my very personal story of the day Gregor died, highlighting in particular the impact many of these professionals have had on my family, what made the good stuff they did good, and how the language used when dealing with a bereaved family is so sooooo vitally important.  I was very touched by the health professionals I met with during breaks, lunch and afterwards who are clearly keen to make changes to a system they know has plenty scope for improvement.

I am a firm believer in fate and today I came face to face with someone who was involved the day Gregor died – Fate or chance? Who knows, but it was lovely to see him again after I got over the shock!

On reflection tonight I am feeling very proud of myself.  I know I did as well as I knew I could do today and that feels good.

Gregor’s tiny feet went stomping in Perth today leaving more HUGE footprints on the lives of many health professionals both he and I have touched today.

Turn back time…

Ben announced to me at bedtime tonight “I wish I could turn back time” – I asked him what he would do if he could, to which he answered “I’d take Gregor out loads of fun places!” So would I darling, So would I…

Three years ago tomorrow was Gregor’s funeral.  Three years ago today was Mother’s day. Today I am exhausted.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.  This winter has been very similar to that of 2008/2009.  Almost all daffodils around us are now in bloom – Just as they were back then.